Guest blog: Does shame serve a purpose?

Some of us feel shame about losing a relationship or not achieving a specific goal we set for ourselves, which is particularly acute in the New Year, when there is pressure to start over, as if we were deficient or inferior before. It can be a dark place to exist. We seem to forget that our worth is constant and not based on real or perceived failures.

For me, shame is the feeling of guilt magnified.

Feeling ashamed or embarrassed is commonly associated with “guilt,” which is defined as “a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person.” Similarly, shame, however, is experiencing painful humiliation when we feel that our behavior is foolish. For me, shame is the feeling of guilt magnified. The effects of shame can be debilitating. Shame surfaces sometimes because we didn’t even do anything wrong.

Does shame serve any purpose in our healings?

I don’t think shame always serves a useful purpose. When we make mistakes that lead us to seek an appropriate resolution, guilt serves its purpose; Guilt distributes responsibility for our offenses. However, shame is just a few steps down the road and it depends on our guilt to continue hitting us. Guilt helps us grow and learn so we can do better next time. Shame keeps us trapped in one place, prisoners of inner turmoil.

One notable time I felt guilty was when I was coming out of a depressive episode a couple of years ago. I misunderstood a friend and got angry with her. My friend listened patiently and explained her perspective with compassion. Hearing her version, something clicked inside me that helped me see that she was doing the best she could and she had no intention of hurting me. So we resolved. It is important to forgive people who appear in our lives again and again. Most people mean no harm. Guilt stirred in my heart and I was able to repair our relationship.

On the other hand, last year I was dealing with a friend who was crossing boundaries and being inappropriate. He gave my brain whiplash because, at the same time he was working hard to maintain boundaries and keep me safe, a different friend expressed that he was causing them pain. The situations were certainly not opposite to each other; They were nuanced and different. However, this increased my shame because while I bravely set boundaries, I was also accused of lacking them. It was confusing. The boundaries I maintained in both situations ended our friendships, but the losses reminded me of the strong relationships I still have today. The shame I felt in these situations made me feel like something was wrong with me. Over time, I began to recognize the internal progress I’ve made in understanding boundaries, even if others don’t see it. I’m learning that some things happen in life that are beyond our control; We learn that it is more a circumstance of the complexity of life than a defect.

Sometimes guilt can be caused by ourselves. I felt guilty when I didn’t achieve my goal of making more meals at home last year. Often when we make resolutions, we assume that we have failed completely if we have only done it right part of the time. However, improving a goal even 5% better than last time is still a positive trajectory. I’ve ordered takeout frequently in the past, but in recent months I’ve found a better balance between cooking meals at home and ordering takeout once or twice a week. This is an ever-evolving balance, but I also recognize that I am a student and a full-time healthcare worker. Showing myself compassion when I don’t always have the energy to accomplish my goals has made me happier and healthier. I work not to punish myself, but to find balance. Guilt didn’t help because, in fact, I wasn’t doing anything wrong by not reaching a self-imposed goal.

Showing myself compassion when I don’t always have the energy to accomplish my goals has made me happier and healthier.

Our instincts guide us in life; We know when to walk away so we can regain our courage. I felt the shame of the losses in my stomach, to the point that it was difficult to stand upright. It has been studied in psychology that the communication between our gut and our brain is natural and expected, since our gut acts as our second brain. The tension and the absolute sinking feeling were the worst. While it is a distressing feeling, I am so glad my body is letting it out and alerting me to unresolved internal turmoil. We can only begin to let go when we feel the pain of all that is, as long as we properly address it introspectively and interpersonally. I am deeply grateful to feel all my emotions – shame and guilt – today and not deny any of them; It’s liberating to not bottle things up or repress them.

One of the bravest things I’ve ever done is keep showing up in my life when shame urges me to run and hide. We can contain anxiety and discomfort without taking them as the only truth. Guilt can certainly serve to improve ourselves, but we must not allow it to turn into shame. Shame tells lies, so we must defend ourselves with the truth that we are doing our best to navigate a world that is not always designed for the empathic and the highly sensitive. Sometimes we look through the mirror and see our greatest weakness, but when we look closer, we also see that our heart can be used as our greatest strength.

As we begin this New Year with a gentle look at the past and an open stance toward what is to come, I hope we can leave behind the boring hurt of the past and the feelings of shame associated with it, and embrace our bright future healing. We never have to wait for a new year to find new meaning: every day is a new day; Every moment is a new moment to start again.

Lexie Manion works in the healthcare sector and is a passionate writer, artist and mental health advocate. More information about Lexie.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and external content does not necessarily reflect the views of Mental Health America.