Have you ever had a sexual fantasy and then felt embarrassed about it? What if you want to experiment with a partner (or partners, plural) but feel too shy to talk about your needs? Despite a number of advances in sexual identity and sex positivity in contemporary American society, we still have a long way to go to destigmatize and empower less traditional forms and expressions of sexuality. That said, if you want to let your “weird” flag fly and indulge in “naughty” thoughts and behaviors, the first step is to reverse any negative context that lingers around those desires.
Next, learn more about 9 sexual taboos Carol Queen, Ph.D., a Good Vibes staff sexologist, educator, and sex-positive activist, suggests breaking up if you want to. (Spoiler alert: There are variations of anal sex, role-playing, and group sex at play.)
9 sexual taboos worth exploring and breaking (as desired)
If you’re ready to shed the stigmas and lean into sexual experimentation in search of new avenues of pleasure and delight, you’ve *come* to the right place. Dr. Queen shares a list of sexual taboos that are more than okay to try, accompanied by tips on how to overcome mental blocks and take action. They may open previously untapped pathways to earth-shattering orgasms and/or a deeper connection with her bedroom partner.
PS: This list is not exhaustive, so please discuss and act out your own issues as you and your partner(s) see fit.
1. Share problems and the desire to experiment
Sure, the “vanilla sex” rule may be enough for some, but Dr. Queen points out that there are plenty of other tasty flavors available to try. “Behind that normativity is ‘sex is supposed to be for procreation,’ and many problems don’t involve that approach,” she adds.
Advice: Muster up the courage to speak up as it can be satisfying for everyone. “Couples who can talk about sex have a superpower and are often much more intimate,” says Dr. Queen. A body of research supports this: according to a 2019 meta-analysis in The magazine of sexual research, which investigated 48 studies among 12,145 participants, sexual communication was linked to better orgasms and greater sexual well-being. Additionally, female participants experienced the added benefit of a stronger sexual desire.
2. Use sex toys when you are in a relationship
If you’re no stranger to sex toys and love having solo fun with them, it might be worth taking them out for couples play. Dr. Queen says the stigma attached to it is associated with the idea that “your partner should be all you need” and sometimes even a greater taboo around masturbation itself.
Advice: Invite your partner to go through the entire journey, explaining the what and why behind your interest in using sex toys as a team. “Suggest going shopping together and thinking about the types of fantasies the toys might inspire them to try,” shares Dr. Queen. She points out that toys can overcome orgasm deficits with standard sexual intercourse, and that a worthy partner is absolutely necessary to increase arousal and juicy release.
3. Women take the initiative in heterosexual relationships
Plain and simple: Dr. Queen says this sexual taboo is attributed to “outdated sex role stereotypes, in which women are ‘supposed’ to be ‘submissive’ to men.” Whiten.
Advice: “Explore and find ways to make your relationship as equal as possible. Sexual roles and different types of play can come easier when it is a value that is shared,” she continues. Some men can also become aroused when a woman takes the initiative, so compatibility with the partner may play a role here.
4. Deviating from sexual norms in long-term relationships
If you’ve been booed for a while and tend to return to the same sexual positions or styles (that is, if you have sex at all), getting out of that routine can feel intimidating and out of place. According to Dr. Queen, taking steps to spice things up can feel taboo, as they “don’t really encourage us to accept our fluidity or the many ways a relationship can look over time.”
Advice: The same honesty and transparency that you deserve and desire in your relationship also carries over to the bedroom. Few sexual beings want to live with years of mediocre, bad, or no sex at all. “Be honest with each other about your sex life and how it’s going,” advises Dr. Queen. Over time, many things change about your body, your partner, and your relationship, and sexual check-ins can benefit everyone. Honest communication “will help you cope with perimenopause and many other changes,” continues the sexologist. “Most people don’t have exactly the same sex life at age 50 as they do at age 20! Accept that, don’t fight it.”
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5. Participate in trios or couples
“Couple consciousness and heteronormativity underlie this taboo,” shares Dr. Queen. But some practical and elegant communication can overcome uncertainty, reluctance or stigma, as long as all parties agree. “All these taboo pleasures must be done consensually,” she reminds us. “And the definition of consent is not: My partner really wants to do it, so I said yes, even though it doesn’t sound erotic to me.Preach!
Advice: Testing the waters with this so-called sexual taboo is something that all parties, including the third partner, must be completely interested in. “Start by talking about what an ideal situation would look like to you so that communication and negotiation can be clear as you explore. with a third person,” suggests Dr. Queen. Also, be sure to talk about how you will navigate safe sex.
6. Try group sex or sex parties
Dr. Queen notes that the idea of casual sex in a group setting, whether you’re alone or with a partner, remains largely taboo to this day.
Advice: Overcoming and engaging in this perceived sexual taboo will require some due diligence on your part. “Unless you’re throwing your own party, you’ll need to explore options (in town, on vacation, etc.),” Dr. Queen says. Additionally, she highly recommends trying this if you’re a good participant to begin with (i.e. comfortable with sexual exploration and communication and respecting boundaries), so you’re an asset to the party.
7. Engage in consensual exhibitionism
Emphasis on the word consensual and performing such acts on a completely legal basis (!). Dr. Queen says that some people may think exhibitionism is obscene or in bad taste, but as long as you find comfort and pride in it, you do it, boo.
Advice: If exhibitionism and/or voyeurism are issues you want to explore, Dr. Queen says this could involve creating an Onlyfans account or performing at an amateur night at a strip club. It could also involve inviting a consenting third party to watch her playtime or even swapping a partner. Her parting word to the wise: “Think carefully before exposing yourself, especially if you’re going to post photos.”
8. Role play
“Role-playing allows us to act outside of normative boundaries, even if just for a while,” explains Dr. Queen. “It can be especially taboo when it plays with power and social status.” On the other hand, it can be the magic sauce to get you and your partner excited in a deliciously intense way.
Advice: Of course, both parties will have to give their consent, as well as communicate sufficiently (or even negotiate, as necessary). “In roleplay, as in other types of kink, you need to be able to set your boundaries, express your desires, and create a safe space to explore,” says Dr. Queen.
9. Pegging (anal play with men)
Dr. Queen clarifies a common misconception surrounding anal play: in this context, when a woman uses a strap-on to pin down a straight man. In regards to taboo, “The idea that anal is only enjoyed by gay men makes this a homophobic context. But it is also about sexual roles, since penetration is supposed to be a form of submission.” However, the truth is that anal play has the ability to produce pleasure for consenting adults of any sex and sexual orientation.
Advice: If you are a reluctant heterosexual man or your partner is, Dr. Queen says it is crucial to free yourself from the submission taboo if that is the main obstacle to exploration. (That is, unless submission is part of your roleplay experimentation, then go all out.) On a parting note, he leaves some sage advice for those interested in trying this quote-unquote sexual taboo for the first time. “Learn all about the three rules you must respect for any type of anal: relaxation, lubrication and communication.”
