This feels weird. I mean writing. Again, I had no intention of leaving the blog for this long! I promised before that I would write a “final” post when I decided to stop writing so that no one would wonder what happened, and I definitely will. But I don’t feel like I’m ready to completely quit yet, so here I am.
I’m about to get really vulnerable here…
When I first started blogging, I had no idea that my blog would gain so many readers. I had actually been blogging for 11 years at that point, but I switched to the Blogger platform because it was much easier to add images than the platform I had been using. Basically, I wanted to document my struggles and triumphs regarding my weight and my career goals. (I didn’t know that Blogger would make me more visible on the internet. Having a handful of readers at the time was comfortable for me, as I am a (ironically) private person in general.)
| The first days of Runs for Cookies… so young and not knowing what was waiting for them! 😉 |
Later that year, a couple of big things happened to me: I was invited to be on The Dr. Oz Show to talk about my weight loss, and I had surgery to remove the excess/loose skin around my abdomen. I remember logging onto the blog one day and seeing that the page views had increased from about 100 to about 10,000 overnight. Instead of getting excited, I was extremely anxious about it: why on earth are people reading what I write? Don’t they know I’m not a “real” writer? I can’t write private or vulnerable stuff on here!
I soon found out that there were a lot of people who were going through the same thing as me and it was great to have that support system, so to speak. And then I started getting some negative comments here and there about random things I had written and it kind of stung. I always meant well, didn’t talk down to people and stayed away from very controversial topics. Plus, 99% of the people I interacted with were so nice! I didn’t understand the negativity.
[Side note: I believe there is a big difference between “constructive criticism” and just plain rude or mean-spirited comments. I’ve received a lot of constructive advice/criticism over the years and I appreciate it–I’ve learned a lot of new things from commenters who are kind in offering their opinions/advice. The negative comments I’m referring to in this post are the mean-spirited and/or rude ones, where the only purpose is to hurt my feelings or shame me.]
Also worth noting: I know that by opening up so much of my life here on the internet, I’m basically asking for poorly worded reviews. But I loved writing and meeting amazing people and I tried to follow the belief that “it’s just something that comes with the job.”
I was able to ignore the comments that were truly ridiculous (“Don’t you know how much sugar is in grapes? If you eat that many, you’re going to get diabetes.” In fact, I received several comments about eating too many grapes, and those comments made me laugh easily. In fact, some of my friends still joke with me about my horrible grape-eating habit, haha.)
Some of the comments were really hurtful, though. I found that it’s usually the comments about things I’m already insecure about that hurt the most. I started to wonder if everyone thought that way about me. (“I can’t believe you let your kids eat all those sugary toppings on frozen yogurt. You’re teaching them your bad eating habits and they’ll become fat, too.”)
That, along with other comments about parenting, planted the seed that I was a bad mother, which led me to question other choices I made. If I wrote about something I was proud of, like throwing away the second half of a brownie instead of eating it when I knew half was enough, I was told, “That’s not something to be proud of, unless you’re proud of your eating disorder behavior.”)
Since being a stay-at-home mom is not a common thing anymore, I have had to deal with a lot of criticism for it. Jerry and I are very happy that we made that decision 20 years ago and we wouldn’t change it. Jerry feels good about supporting our family and I really enjoy being a “stay-at-home mom.” I know it’s not for everyone and that’s okay. We made the decision that we felt was best for our family. There is SO MUCH MORE to being a stay-at-home mom than just taking care of the kids, and the comments that told me I was lazy, useless, and a bad wife made me angry. I have two absolutely wonderful children (people tell me all the time that Jerry and I raised great kids) and I like to think that the fact that I was a stay-at-home mom helped in that regard.
There are people who can read comments like that and laugh at them or just forget about them… I wish I was one of those people.
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| As Mark would say, “That’s the truth” (I wish I could just flip a switch and do it!) |
As I was growing up, I can’t even imagine how many times I was told I was “too sensitive.” I admit it: I am a sensitive person! [Note: That is *not* to say that I get offended easily, however. It’s actually very difficult to offend me. When people are joking around or they are friends of mine or bantering, etc… it’s great to laugh, especially at myself!] But when someone wants to hurt my feelings, it’s (unfortunately) very easy to do so.
I care a lot about making people happy and when I feel like I’m letting them down in some way, I feel really bad about myself. [Note: I know this is more about me than the other person and I need to work on my self-confidence and all of that. Comments from strangers should not affect me like this. I recognize that. But I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself into someone that I’ve never been.]
Over the years I’ve been blogging, I’ve read a lot of not-so-nice things about myself. The first few times you read something negative about yourself, it can be pretty easy not to think about it too much. But reading it over and over again for years started to take a toll on me. I still loved writing (I’ve met a lot of amazing readers and friends through my blog), but my self-esteem was taking a hit with every mean comment, even if there weren’t many.
One day in August last year (I remember it like it was yesterday) I received a couple of negative comments and reading them at the time crushed me. I was still going through The Worst Year of My Life and I was feeling as bad as could be; reading that I was a “lazy wife with no real job” hit me like a punch in the gut. The timing couldn’t have been worse.
My anxiety, which was already bad, skyrocketed. I wondered if everyone thought I was lazy and forced my husband to work like a slave just so I could sit around watching TV and eating chocolates all day. And since I’d already gotten comments about how I exaggerate my feelings and how I don’t have “real” anxiety, I didn’t feel like writing about it.
There are a lot of topics I’ve stopped writing about over the years for that reason. One time, when I came clean and said I had too much empathy (I know it sounds weird, but it affects my emotions so much that sometimes I wish I could just turn it off), someone called me a narcissist. I wanted to write a lot more about the topic so I could describe what I wanted to say and even see if anyone else had the same problem, but after that I felt judged and too vulnerable.
I want so badly to have thick skin, to not care what other people think of me, to stop trying to please everyone, and to live my life unapologetically! (If you are one of those people, don’t ever take it for granted. I envy you.) When I took a break from my blog, I felt like I could do what I wanted and not be judged or criticized for my choices. Over the past year, my writing anxiety has been really hard on me.
Right now, I have a lump in my throat, my hands are sweaty, my heart is beating really fast, and my stomach is in knots… these are all things that happen to me when I’m anxious. Out of the 3,681 posts I’ve written, this is the one that makes me the most anxious. I always planned to write something like this before I stopped blogging. I hope everyone who reads this sees that words, even from strangers, can really hurt people.
When a bully started calling me “Shamu” in fourth grade, I became extremely conscious of my weight… and went on my first diet. I also started binge eating and secret eating. I’m not saying that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been called Shamu; but I do know that it was a catalyst for a lifetime of issues with my eating habits.
Again, there are people who can ignore comments like that; and then there’s me… sensitive to the point where I start questioning myself in every aspect of my life. And again, I know this is an issue I *have* to work on, and I always try. I’m not writing this to say a big “fuck you!” to people who criticize me (although I definitely want to sometimes); rather, I hope to give some perspective on how small words can have a big impact on someone’s life.
To end on a positive note, I want to say that I am SO grateful for all the kind people out there. Just as hurtful words can make me feel bad about myself, the overwhelming positivity of 99% of my readers has kept me writing for the past 13 years. I don’t go looking for compliments when I write, but a kind word never fails to ease the pain of bad comments a little. And even though I’m horrible at responding (I’m so sorry about that), I do read and take every single one of them to heart. It’s not just the negative comments that get to me. I’ve received so much positivity over the years that sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst.
When I started writing this article, I was planning to write a little about the last month (has it been that long?), but this all got out of hand. I think I’m just exhausted from holding it in all the time.
Anyway, I hope to get back to writing soon. I’ve had an eventful end of summer (including my first plane flight since 2019!), so I’ll try to give the CliffsNotes version when it doesn’t make my stomach turn 😉
Now I’m going to eat some of that. diabetes pumps Grapes on sale for 99 cents a pound!
